Author: lindika

NIGHT OF MY ATTACK

Friday, January 11^th 2019: Not a date I would ever forget in a hurry.  I had many flashbacks, but my memory and thoughts at the time felt really strange and real. 

That day, I had been working on finalising the draft of our magazine, in preparation to go to print within the next few days.  Deadlines were always important to stick to, especially the usual last minute changes. No doubt, many of you in publishing, could relate to this.  I was always on “high alert” for any last minute changes, additions or alterations to the layout. I usually worked late into the night during the last week of deadline.  That was referred to as my “Grumpy Period” every 2 months, which was the time that Colin and friends would dive for cover. I would change into a pretty irritable, snappy and highly strung creature. Sorry, I couldn’t help it!

What I Was Doing

I was preparing the January / March issue, as I mentioned, it was normally a pretty stressful time for me.  You could probably imagine the difficulty of trying to get something ready just after the busy Christmas period, then I had to juggle working around Spanish Bank Holidays too.  I honestly swear the Spanish invented these breaks more than most other nations!

Tomato Festival: They even invented one in a place, where citizens threw tomatoes at each other in the town square! Just because a truck had accidentally discharged their cargo of tomatoes in the street, years ago!  I couldn’t work out the logic in celebrating that.  One of the joys of being a foreigner abroad, I suppose. 

How I Felt Before Attack: However, as I worked through the day and into the early evening, I actually felt fine.  Colin was out drinking with the guys. Most likely he had to get out, to disappear from me. The poor Man.   It was a normal friday night, so he met up with some of his drinking buddies.  He normally called me to ask if everything was “OK” and then would say, “I’ll be home soon”. That could indicate anything from 10 minutes to an hour or so. Honestly!  No doubt there have been plenty of women out there that can identify with that lame excuse. Especially as you timed your evening meal to be ready for when your other half arrived home.  However, I hadn’t minded too much that night. I had work to get on with and was happy to continue working while he was having fun.

What Happened

Colin called later that night and told me that he’d be home within “10 minutes”. Very specific, not “soon”, so it was an indication to have last minute preparations to get dinner ready, I guessed.  Yeah right!  I decided to make myself a cup of coffee, a break away from my well deserved and stress-free “alcofrolic” glass on my desk.  It was Friday. If Colin was out having fun, I justified it by the long hours I worked and a need, and well deserved, earlier “tipple”. Why not?  So what! 

I went to the kitchen and, as I was stirring the sugar into my cup of coffee, I started to feel really strange.  It was hard to fully describe but, I was aware something weird was happening.  The room started to blur and I felt an inexplicable sensation overcome me.   My legs unexpectedly gave way from under me, my arms went limp and as I collapsed / slapped onto the ground and I had a sudden urge to be sick.  I recall thinking at the time, was I actually that drunk?

My Collapse: Everything was like slow motion after that.  I tried to lift myself up, but my arms wouldn’t let me!  My mind was racing, but my body was unwilling to move properly. It was very alarming. I had lost control!  I tried to get up, but couldn’t. My hands and legs had become useless. I managed to turn over onto my butt, forced my right elbow to pull my limp body slowly toward the ground floor W.C.  I desperately wanted to be sick and rapidly started to get woozy. It was difficult and labourious getting away from the kitchen, but it was vital to get to my destination.  I knew I had dropped my phone, but couldn’t really remember where. I couldn’t go back to search, couldn’t phone Colin or anyone for help.  I was terrified!    I just knew that I had to get to the downstairs W.C., as the urge to be sick grew even stronger.

Loss of Movement: When I managed to get to the W.C., my arms just couldn’t lift my body up to the toilet bowl. I tried to suppress the need to be sick again.  However, I miserably failed and ended up vomiting all over the floor!  I had the presence of mind to realise I had made a horrible mess. I desperately tried to clear up the floor with my working right hand, while fighting with the toilet roll at the same time, to soak up the horrible evidence on the floor. My left arm and leg just wouldn’t work properly! I recall thinking that Colin would be furious at me for making such a state!  I guessed I must have passed out because everything went blank ………….

Became Aware: I roused to Colin’s voice, “I’m home, where are you?”.  I couldn’t speak, so I made moaning and grunting noises, in the hope he would hear me.  I was way past caring what he would think, when he realised where I was.  I just wanted him there.  He must have heard me, as I heard and sensed him crashing into the W.C door. He tried to shift my body away from the door opening, because I had blocked his entry.  Poor thing must have been pretty shaken when he saw me.  I heard him screaming, “Oh my God!”, “what’s the matter?”, “what have you been doing?”. I just couldn’t answer back!  I must have looked a right sight.  He tried to get me off the floor, but I couldn’t help at all. I was totally limp and a dead weight.  Somehow, he managed to drag me away toward the lounge sofa, by lifting me from under both my armpits, while my dead legs draggeded along the floor. I must have passed out again ………

Call to Emergency Services: I had lost track of time. The next time I became aware, I was laid awkwardly across our sofa, surrounded by total strangers.  I couldn’t focus properly, but could hear voices calling my name and clicking their fingers for my attention. I couldn’t respond to anything again.  There were people talking in Spanish in the background.  Colin had called emergency services, and I also heard Christian’s voice (his son from 1^st marriage). They were both talking in Spanish to these faceless strangers.  I was told the strangers were the people from the ambulance, as they tried to get me to react. In the meantime, four burly Policemen appeared.  Apparently, in Spain, Police would automatically attend when a female could possibly be involved in any kind of domestic abuse. A precautionary measure.  However, poor Colin, in his distress, had to cope with all these outsiders. He was worried about me, but at the same time, had to justify that he wasn’t the abuser.  Thank goodness he managed to convince them.  The female doctor in charge quickly confirmed that I had suffered a major stroke.

Inside the Ambulance: I sensed I had been wheeled into an ambulance.  The lady doctor had joined me. Luckily, she was on duty at the time of the call out. She knew exactly what happened, what to do, and gave me an injection.  We later reckoned that she had saved my life.  I wish that someone had noted her name. She was very kind, soothed me by lightly stroking my arms and my face.

I heard the typical ambulance siren noises, noticed flashes of light through the side windows, as we moved away.  Had all that fuss been for me?  What an embarrassment!  Where was Colin?  Apparently he wasn’t allowed in the ambulance. No idea why!

I didn’t know how long it took us to get to the Hospital, but I sensed being hurriedly wheeled along corridors, as the ceiling lights zipped by above. We got to a room. Somehow, Colin appeared out of nowhere and held my hand to comfort me. I had no idea where he came from but I felt a huge surge of relief.  

Emergency Room: The uniformed people were kind and gentle. I guessed I was in an emergency room.  The uniforms kept calling my name, clicking fingers and told me to be calm. All I felt was sheer panic, as my clothing was gradually taken off me. There was nothing I could do to stop their fast actions.  I knew that I had been repeatedly sick during that time and felt really embarrassed. Later, although Colin appeared, I was left alone with the uniforms as Colin disappeared. I wasn’t aware that he was made to wait outside then.  Lord knows what must have gone through his mind out there!

I was being Robbed!: When I was suddenly conscious again, the uniforms had started to take the off the rest off my clothes, then my rings, watch and precious necklace.  I felt I was being robbed!  Those items of jewellery were of huge sentimental value to me!  I was alert enough to realise that my watch was Colin’s first gift to me in 1986. There were my engagement and wedding rings from 1988.  My mother had a gold signet ring specially made for me from Indonesia in the 1970´s.  My necklace, was the first Christmas present from Colin in 1986. It was unique and I had never taken it off.  No way I would willingly part with all these precious things!

 When I felt my necklace sliding away from my neck, I mustered the determination to grab it with my right hand. I had a kind of tug of war with whoever tried to steal it away from me.  I must have lost as it drifted away into a misty fog.  I was really exhausted, lethargic and gave up my fight.  They must have given me something. I felt anger at their low tactics.  I began to relax, went limp and drifted off to oblivion ……..

Please view next page 3 at link “In a coma . Waking Up!: https://www.rebootinglinda.com/in-a-coma/

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People in Comas: I heard a great number of people had claimed they woke from comas, or had “near death” experiences. I often wondered how they must have felt. Overwhelmed?  Imagine, returning from that state and asked to describe what they felt and went through?  Would anyone believe? I could only later describe the strange and psychedelic dreams that I had experienced. We all have our own opinions.  However, each “Dream” incident seemed entirely real to me …..

MY DREAMS:

Back to Work: After my black out in the hospital emergency room, I was suddenly sat in front of my computer, in our office area at home.  How on earth did I get there?  I couldn’t recall any procedure of discharge from hospital.  What was I doing there?  However, I hadn’t questioned it too much either.

I had a lot of work to catch up on, so just began from where I had left off.  Unfortunately, I just couldn’t focus on any task.  Everything became so confusing. I was no longer capable of making sense of what I was supposed to do.  Suddenly, new clients (I later found out had never existed) popped into my head. I had no idea how to start artwork for them. I just stared at the empty screens in front of me.  In reality, I normally had four computer screens and keyboards etc. to work from. My desk actually resembled the dashboard of the Star Trek Enterprise.  On this occasion, I had no clue what to do! I felt sheer panic.

Strange Stroking of my Face: I was confused. I had lost the ability and hunger to work and tackle anything new.   I panicked again and became afraid to touch the old familiar things in front of me.  I sat there, very still, while I tried to absorb everything.  I questioned why couldn’t I do the simplest of jobs or make any decisions?  I gradually became pretty irritated with myself. I unexpectedly felt Colin’s presence to my right.   He silently started to gently stroke the right side of my face.  We hadn’t said anything to each other, but I unsuccessfully stretched my right hand out to his until he disappeared.  I discovered a few months later that he had actually stroked my face while I was unconscious in I.C.U.  Could it have been possible that I had felt his touch?

Strange Female Presence: When I opened my eyes, I felt Colin there again. This time, he was with a blurry apparition. Both of them suddenly lifted up my office chair between them and we began to float up the stairs toward a light upstairs.  Somehow, I instinctively knew his helper was female, but I had no idea who she was or where she came from.  Nonetheless, I was miffed at the fact that I couldn’t shout out my objections, while I was dragged away from my work area. I wanted to tell them that I was able to go upstairs under my own steam!   Somehow, as we floated up the stairs, I lost the urge to be feisty and grudgingly accepted their actions.

Appearance of my Sisters: The scene changed to our upstairs bedroom and I was lying on my back in bed.  Out of nowhere, a large white cloud appeared above me, to my left.   Suddenly, I saw a large version of the head and shoulders of my middle sister, Susan. I recall thinking, “boy was she looking huge!”.  Hello? What on earth was she doing in Spain?  She was supposed to be in the UK with her family.   She told me that I had to hold on, that I was strong and that she loved me.  I tried to say that I loved her too, but she got sucked back into the cloud.   Then, just like Susan, my youngest sister, Vivian, appeared equally as huge. She said the same things and disappeared in the same way.  I was just as bewildered because Vivian was supposed to be in London.  What was going on? …….

Planned My Funeral: I somehow was zapped back at home, in our dining area.  I was aware of Colin and my sisters talking in the background.  I tried to communicate with them, but couldn’t find my voice.  I tried to get their attention by waving my hands in front of their faces, but my arms wouldn’t move.  It was so frustrating. All three of them had been looking right through me! 

Apparently, both sisters flew immediately over to Spain, when Colin explained that I wasn’t expected to survive.  They stayed at our house with Colin, while I was in ICU. I later discovered that during that time, they had gone over the possibility of plans for my funeral!  How awful it must have been for them. The poor things.

Another Strange Dream: My next experience was a snowy winter scene.  Again, I was with Colin and my sisters, in some cold looking wilderness.  This time, I was part of their group, as we wandered around in the frosty and unfamiliar looking countryside setting. I hadn’t felt the chill at all.  We eventually ended up in a rustic looking bar or pub.  I was sat opposite Colin and had my left leg (turned out to be my bad leg afterwards) up on his knee.  He was tenderly stroking my leg, but I became increasingly nervous of our obvious public display of affection.  Even worse, my left leg started juddering uncontrollably.  The lady Owner came over to complain. I heard Colin tell her, “she’s OK, we’re having a quiet drink. She won’t disturb anyone”.  To stop any further fuss, I informed them that I wanted to leave quietly. I made a start to walk (limp) back home alone.  I had absolutely no idea where we were, but I just wanted to get out of that place and felt confident enough to try to get home.  I also wasn’t aware that I couldn’t walk at all then either! I struggled to get up, while I heard everyone say “No Linda, you can’t”.  Before I defiantly answered, “watch me” in frustration. The scene changed again …..

I had several similar strange scenarios after that, but some particular memories were more vivid than others.

Kidnapped: I was transported to a strange property with Colin, my two sisters, a couple of nurses or helpers in uniform. I assumed that they had come from the Hospital.  They must have been there to take care of me, while Colin had to do his usual daily routine.  As soon as he and my sisters disappeared, I was wheeled down into a basement by the uniforms. They began to change my dressing and to tie me down to a new hospital bed.  I couldn’t move, fight or shout any objections. I could hear them discuss in Spanish, “be careful what you say, she can understand us”.  All that time, I was observed by a faceless male lurking in the background shadows.

Tied Up as a Prisoner: I was totally helpless, strapped down, not able to communicate, as my anger and frustration grew.  It felt like ages, but heard movements upstairs. The bogus nurses explained to Colin, and my sisters, the reason for my disappearance was that I had gone on a trip to Gibraltar.  What! I wouldn’t normally do that without notice!  Surely one of them could have suspected something? How long was I going to be kept tied up? We couldn’t afford any ransom. Was I worth anything at all? No way! I was so angry, helpless, but refused to die at their hands!

Freedom: It felt like an eternity but, but I was about to give up all hope, I heard my sister in law’s voice, Lara (Colin’s half sister from his Dad’s 3^rd marriage – it’s complicated).  I heard her say to me, “ Hello Linda, it’s me, Lara.  I have Lucas with me” (Lara’s  15 month old son).  It took me a while to force my eyes open to focus on the two of them.  I felt really groggy and tried hard to focus on the hazy vision in front of me. At first, I felt massive relief that I had been found. Then deep suspicion crept in after my strange previous encounters.   I decided that she had been part of the kidnap conspiracy and tried to slur, “you part of the conspirancy?” but failed . However she saw the alarm in my eyes. I thought she was part of the plot to spy for the kidnappers and tried to stop me to struggle away.  She had visited when I first came out of my coma. Lord knows what the poor girl must have thought of me!

Finally Woke Up From the Coma

I slowly became more aware of my surroundings, but my head swirled, my sight was blurry and I couldn’t speak or move. In panic I tried to wriggle around and make noises.  Colin later informed me that, he had heard me. He immediately ran to a doctor, stated that I was awake and had made some muffled sounds.  The doctor said, “that’s impossible” and rushed over to me.  I heard a male voice, that spoke my name above me.  I struggled to answer, but only managed a slurred, raspy lisp of, “who’s that?”.  The voice said, “it’s me, Colin, your husband”.  I felt really happy, but when I slowly focused, I became alarmed and wondered, why was Des (our handyman) pretending to be Colin?

That was when the medical staff went into emergency mode and rushed my bed off to the neurology unit.  I wasn’t supposed to wake up. A huge shock to everyone. The medics worked all night to keep me awake , conducted tests and MRI (brain scan). They couldn’t explain to Colin why I was still alive.   Fortunately, I was blissfully unaware of all the fuss I had caused ……

Please view next page 4 at link “Waking Up After Tests”: https://www.rebootinglinda.com/waking-up-after-tests/

CONTACT FORM: Please leave a comment …..
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The Period During Tests:

Medical Updates: I wasn’t sure what happened after I woke up in I.C.U.  Everything was a huge blur, but Colin and my sisters later filled in the gaps, once they considered when I could handle the news.  Colin was excited and put the news out, to concerned other family and friends, by phone and social media that I had miraculously woken up. He got a surprising flow of messages back.

I was unaware there had been a number of messages from friends, while I had been in a coma. They had kindly sent their love, good wishes and prayers for my recovery. How lovely that was of them. 

Poor Colin was rather overwhelmed by calls, so he decided to take to his facebook account to post single updates of my progress.  People were really kind during that difficult time. I later discovered that Colin and my sisters had found great comfort in the knowledge of the generous support out there. Especially, when they weren’t allowed to see me until the doctors permitted.  However, they no longer felt alone, as they waited for each scrap of news.  What anguish they must have gone through, as they wondered if I would be strong enough to fight back to them. They must have made all sorts of wishes, prayers and promises to themselves during that time.

WAKING UP AGAIN

Ever had a massive hang over?  Well, when I woke again, I had an enormous headache. I felt very sluggish and it was an effort to open my eyes.  No matter how hard I tried, my eyes were glued tight shut. As I was totally in the dark, I wondered if I had gone blind!  I didn’t want to panic, as there had to be an explanation. For the life of me, I couldn’t work out what that would be.  I heard subdued voices in the background, which I sensed were to the far bottom left of my bed.  I couldn’t make out what had been said, but it must have been light hearted banter because of the occasional laugh or snigger.  Colin later told me that I had been placed back in I.C.U. The nurses’ station had been practically where I had heard the voices.  Amazing!  All that time, they thought I was completely unconscious. I actually was aware of my surroundings, in spite of no sight or movement.

Attempts to Communicate: I had no idea of time, but I sensed voices, as they moved around me. I was aware that, although I still couldn’t see, I had been lying flat on my back.  I always hated that position. I normally would get comfortable by lying on my right side, arms bent up toward my head, my right leg straight, my left leg bent and crossed over the other.  It probably sounded a weird position for some, but it had always helped me become comfortable before nodding off.  I’m not certain there is an actual name for that kind of pose.  Anyhow, I wanted to get back into my familiar position, but just couldn’t.  I wasn’t able to shift any part of my body!  Had I been restrained again?  What was going on?  Why wasn’t I able to move?  Panic set in, as I tried to make contact with the invisible voices for help.  I hadn’t cared if they were strangers. I just wanted some sort of help.  My silent screaming attracted nobody.   Was I was mute too?  After a while I decided to explore the inside of my mouth.  I tried moving my tongue round, which felt twice the normal size. I had difficulty running it over my teeth.  My mouth felt really foreign, as though someone had stuffed two sets of teeth in!  This was fast becoming a nightmare.  I was terrified, frustrated and getting very dejected.  None of my efforts of communicating worked!

No Speech: I guess I must have fallen asleep.  I had no idea how long passed when I picked up activity around me again.  I still couldn’t see, move or speak. I felt sick!  I felt someone holding my right hand. Colin’s voice drifted over and calmly said, “Don’t panic, you’re going to be alright”.  I couldn’t describe the relief I felt, knowing that he was there.  I no longer had to battle to communicate with the invisible voices – Colin would sort it all out, so I felt a great deal calmer.  I really concentrated hard on opening my eyes.  I eventually managed to half open my right eye. Everything was blurry as it adjusted to the light and started to slowly focus.  Unfortunately, I was too late for Colin’s attention. I had to watch his back disappear behind a screen or curtain, to my right.  I just couldn’t shout out or make any noises to call him back.

 Visitors: A few minutes passed by.  Eventually, I made out an opening in the screen, from the corner of my half opened eye.  I saw shadows floating around but couldn’t make them out clearly.  Apparently, they were Colin, my sisters and Christian waiting patiently for permission to see me.  One of the shadows started to move towards me. As it grew bigger, I realised that it was my sister, Susan!  What a relief that she looked fairly normal, in comparison to my coma dream. She was a bit hazy, but no longer resembled an enormous genie out of Aladin’s lamp!   I could sense she was talking softly, but I just couldn’t understand her or respond. I must have gone deaf too!  I desperately tried to tell her that I couldn’t move, and wanted my restraints taken away.  All I could manage were strange glugging noises, that came from somewhere at the back of my throat.  She looked confused, kissed my face and I drifted away.  The same thing happened when Vivian appeared.  I was getting nowhere, and became more exasperated. I realized that I no longer sensed anyone around me. Colin and sisters had left.  Why had they allowed these strangers tie me down?  However, I didn’t know that I hadn’t been tied up at all. It had all been my imagination.

Transfer Out of Hospital

I couldn’t recall seeing Colin and my sisters again.  It seemed like ages in this strange place, as I felt alone and helpless.   Eventually, I had worked out through my good eye, that the other shadows and invisible voices, had been medical staff .  When could I go home?  Why were they keeping me tied down?  I needed to let them know that I wasn’t comfortable or happy.  None of my discomfort was clear to them, as they continued to ignore me and went elsewhere.  How dare they!  I wasn’t a slab of meat on a butcher’s block.  I wanted out!  How could Colin and my sisters have been so cruel and left me there?  Why had they trusted these horrible people?  I must have wandered off back to sleep again ………

Moving out of Costa del Sol Hospital: As the darkness turned into light, my bed was wheeled away.  Although I still couldn’t speak or move, I supposed that I was finally on my way out. Homeward bound at last!  I was past caring of my inability of conversation, or that I was still tied down.  It was of great relief. I hadn’t even made any objections while they wheeled me into the back of an ambulance. I was going home!

The Ambulance: My bed had been lowered down to the floor levelas of the ambulance, so I had difficulty to see what was happening.  There was a young girl in a blue uniform.  She hadn’t said anything, but kept hold of my right hand, while she occasionally stroked my arm. When we moved off, I made out through the windows above, as we whizzed past unfamiliar buildings and trees.  I wanted to ask, “how far?” and  “how long would the journey take?”.  All I made were horrible noises. I got used to them.  The girl never answered, but continued to gently caress my arm.  I liked her, but I became impatient again.  After being jolted for a while, we finally slowed down, followed a winding road and drew to a standstill in front of a big white building.  That wasn’t home!  Where were we?  Had I been kidnapped again?

Arriving at Malaga Hospital: I had been wheeled out of the ambulance, along a corridor, stopped a couple of times, then went into an elevator.  The nice girl from the ambulance smiled, squeezed my right arm and abandoned me into the hands of two new uniformed girls.  Even more strangers!  They hadn’t seemed as nice. Neither of them spoke to me, as I tried to grunt my protests, while they wheeled me around like a parcel.  Where on earth was I?  We ended up in a large white room.  I had no idea where I was!  My bed had been “parked” to the left side of the room. The exit door was to my right, there was a TV screen mounted on the wall in front, and another closed door to the left of the TV.  To the immediate left wall, was an empty white shelf.  Had I been put into a new prison?  All the excitement tired me, so I drifted off to sleep. At the back of my mind, I was convinced there must have been a terrible mistake. Colin would sort it out, and rescue me from this nightmare.

My New Room

Rude Awakening: I must have been in a deep slumber.   They must have drugged me too!  What kind of people were these?  While I roused, I heard quite a bit of commotion around me. My head had slipped under the bed sheet during my sleep. However, I wasn’t able to move it away, to see what the racket was all about.  The top sheet had suddenly been pulled back. A dark haired woman stared right into my face.  In perfect English, she said, “Hello Linda, my name is Dr …..”. I never made out what she said next, as she chirpily continued with, “Good morning, you are in Malaga Hospital”.  I was really miffed at the disturbance, and that I had been transferred to another hospital, instead of home. I was an hour’s drive away from our house!  I tried to find my voice and failed, but rudely thought, “Go away!”, as I swept the cover sheet over my head with my right hand   The room emptied after that. All became peace and quiet, as I gradually went back to sleep again …….

Please view next page 5 at Link “In Malaga Hospital – Kidnapped Again!”: https://www.rebootinglinda.com/in-malaga-hospital/

CONTACT FORM: Please leave a comment …..
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KIDNAPPED AGAIN!

Goodness, I must have slept a great deal during the first few days in this new place! It must have been the drugs they had pumped into me.

Deep Sleep: When I woke up again, I felt my bed wheeled off by silent and faceless uniforms.  I hadn’t been able to take in much more, as I adjusted to the new visions around me.  Nobody talked, nor attempted to explain the reason for my move. Had I been kidnapped again?  I wasn’t sure if I had been dreaming or not. However, I was convinced that I had been abducted again. It felt so real and I felt panic well up.   If that was the case, I wouldn’t go without a struggle. That was laughter in the background, as I was obvious I incapable of moving!

MRI – Brain Scan: The uniforms placed my head into a kind of “vice-like” device, which restricted any movement of my head. They slid me into an enclosed container.  It felt I had been put into an iron coffin!   It was really frightening and so oppressive.  A horrible loud throbbing noise began, almost like someone had been banging on the walls outside.  Inside, it became more unbearable with the pulsating racket of the machine.  My head felt really heavy, ached, as if it was about to explode.  I began to try to scream, “let me out” and that I wanted to go home but my attempts came out as horrible sounds from me.  I couldn’t shout. I heard an even louder male voice over the noise. It instructed me,” be still” and “stop moving”.  I really had enough by then.  I tried to squirm and scream out, “go to hell”.  The voice sounded alarmed, as it responded, “Be still!” – it was so frustrating.  

I was past caring after a while.  Nothing I could do but endure this horrible experience – I wanted everything to stop, but these awful people ignored my alarm and struggles.   I lay helpless, while I had to tolerate the continued loud throbbing noise in the dark.  It was cruel, awful and I had no idea how long the torment went on for. It seemed like an eternity.   Surely it had to end sometime?  Suddenly, the noise stopped. They rolled me out and released my head restraint.  All I felt was gratitude toward my tormentors and for the welcome silence and release.  Such a relief. However, after a few minutes, my anger and hatred returned. I attempted to wriggle and tried to shout out again, which came out as “ugh!”, while they wheeled me away – I was obviously a difficult patient!

Comfort and Relief: We went through some double doors.  Now what?  Where were they taking me this time?  I was really furious and impatient at this point.  Imagine my surprise when I saw Colin stand up to reach out his hands toward me.  I had no idea who else was there.  All the images merged into shadows again.  All that I cared about was that I had been delivered back into safe hands.  Colin laughed when he saw the panic in my eyes while I tried to sign to him, with my right hand, about my anger and kidnap experience – all I could muster were the words “help” and “kidnap”.  I was pretty puzzled why he found it amusing.  He then explained that I hadn’t been kidnapped at all. I had been taken for an MRI (brain scan), to see how I had progressed since the other hospital.  It took a while for his account to sink in. I realized, with horror, that I had been incredibly rude to these silent and kind strangers!  I felt a wave of embarassment wash over me.  What on earth had the medical staff thought of me?  Especially, my wriggling and angry attitude, but hopefully they understood my aggressive reaction.    During the time of my supposed abduction, Colin and my sisters, had spent a couple of hours arranging for the three of them to stay in a pension (small hotel) close to the hospital. They had been waiting for me to come out from the MRI scan.  I was still in a bit of a daze, but before I could utter any slurred apologies, I thankfully drifted off back into a deep sleep ……

At Night

My Dream: I dreamt that the nurses had shown me a couple of small, deep blue, marble sized prickly looking things.  One nurse told me to be brave, because it was going to hurt.  What was? Next, I felt excruciating pain as they were shoving one of those things up my right nostril.  I screamed.   Eventually the pain relented, but the nurse told me to brace myself again.  No, not again!  It was an awful experience with my left nostril.  I was back to being tortured!  Even though they tried to assure me with, “nearly there” comments, I hated every painful second and tried to beg them to stop.  Thankfully, everything went blank again ….. apparently, I had been fitted with nose tubes during my sleep!

Unexpected Room Mate: My sleep was disturbed by noise to the right side of me.   It was dark, so it must have been pretty late.   It took me a while to realise that I was back in my hospital room.   Although my eyes were half closed, I sensed another bed had been rolled into my room to my right, followed by a number of pretty loud voices in Spanish.  They never lowered their voices in respect of me sleeping. What on earth?  Why do the Spanish sound as if they were arguing?  I heard a curtain being drawn between me and the group.  That gesture hadn’t lessened the noise they made. I began to get grumpy, because these voices continued not to care that it was night time and that I had been sleeping.  Who on earth placed these intruders in my room?  Nobody appeared to be conscious of my distress so I had to endure the conversation of loud whispers until I managed to drift off back to sleep again ………..

Next Day

Visiting Time: I woke up to the comforting, hazy sight of Colin and my sisters, when they entered my room.  Actually, I heard them first, as they came into view.  I recognised them from their voices. Both my eyes were open, but I couldn’t focus properly. Everything around me was in double vision.  I discovered that, if I closed my right eye, I was able to focus better with the left.  I spied 2 drip bags hanging to the left side of my bed. Above me were tubes connected to my left hand, which I had assumed were connected to the bags. I tried to explore with my right hand and found that something was sticking out of my nose.  Apparently, apart from the arm drips, I had also been given 2 nose drips!  Why wasn’t I aware of them before? However, it explained the pain of the blue objects from my previous dream.  I felt weird and uncomfortable, but I was too afraid to pull any of these things out.  However, that wasn’t important, it was wonderful to have familiar faces with me again ……. 

Explanation of my Condition: Colin and sisters had each taken turns to speak with me. Each time, I saw two versions of them. I had no idea which one was real, until I closed my right eye.  It was really strange and quite disorienting. Eventually, I became used to view the world through one eye.  They explained what had happened to me, my coma, my condition, but there would be a possibilty that I could expect to get better.  I just couldn’t absorb all the information at once.  I heard words like “stroke” ( Me?), “serious brain bleed” (what!), “coma” (impossible), “ No Survival chance” (really?), “half-paralysed” (No way!), and “recovery” (how and when?). It was devastating news and I was overwhelmed.  They began to leave. Each said, “see you tomorrow”.  I was alone again, left with my thoughts, as I had little choice but stared up at the ceiling.

My Condition: I lay there and mulled over their words. I was hurt and very downhearted.  The word “stroke”, was a complete shock. How come?  I was only 58 years old! I was sure I hadn’t experienced the usual symptoms associated with that word.  The very word terrified me. As for, “brain bleed”. For goodness sake! What was that?  How come I had one?  The words, “coma”, really got to me.  That explained the previous strange dreams.  I had been surprised to later hear Colin’s version of events that led up to, and since my coma state. The medical staff had told him that my brain bleed had been extremely serious. He was told to prepare for “no chance of survival” at the time when I went into a coma.  The poor man. To hear those words, must have been frightening. 

What Next?

Half Paralysed: The words, “half-paralysed”, came back to me so many times.  I tried to move, so I could prove everyone wrong. However, I just wasn’t able to move my left arm or left leg!  OK, that part was to be true, but I was still in denial.  I lifted my right hand to feel around my face. the right side felt fine and how it should.  With my fingers, I tentatively traced around my nose tubes, and discovered I had no sensations around the left side of my face.  I placed the whole of my hand over my features, and as my fingers went over the left side of my face, I realised it seemed frozen. I felt nothing, as I tried to pinch my left cheek, eyelid, brow and forehead.  Absolutely nothing!  I rechecked the right side of my face again, relieved that it felt normal. It was almost like someone had placed half a mask over the entire left side of my face.  I was terrified but felt a peculiar calm. 

Next, I stared at my left arm. It wouldn’t move when I willed it to .  I moved my right hand to grip and lift the dead left one high above me, then let it go.  My left arm just flopped down like a dead weight.  Why wouldn’t it move?  My right arm operated alright, so why not my left one?  I then pulled back the sheet with my right hand to look at my legs.  My right leg worked normally, as I moved my ankle up and down, curled my toes and then lift the whole leg up.  No problem there.  However, when I tried my left leg, there was no reaction.  I didn’t want to believe it, but it eventually dawned on me, that everything I had been told was true.  I began to hate being me …..

Road to Recovery: It took a long while to sink in later. I had to admit that as I was half paralysed.  The only word of, “recovery“, from my family and doctgave me hope. Surely this situation was temporary?  I laid back, stared up at the ceiling and thought of my lovely golf friend, Margaret.  She was fun, walked the course, gregarious and used to drink a pint of beer after a round of golf.  Unfortunately, she had a very serious attack the previous year, which left her with an active mind, but totally paralysed from the neck down.  Eventually, she had been placed in a nursing home back in the UK.  I could only imagine what anger and frustration that she must have felt, and had to endure since.  As I stared up blankly back at the ceiling above, I made up my mind that I wouldn’t go down the same road.  If there would to be any hope of recovery, I would have to grab it!

Please view next page 5 at Link “Early Hospital Days – Home Truths”: https://www.rebootinglinda.com/early-hospital-days-and-a-few-home-truths/

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THE FACTS I HAD TO FACE

Wrong Diet: I admit that I felt totally numb and devastated when the revelations of my condition sank in.  I wasn’t able to get much sleep that night.  So many questions popped into my head, all at once. The answers I had to come up with myself, as I was alone and could speak to anyone.

 My first thought had been, “how come I ended up like this?”.   A perfectly natural question but, people close to me, would have known that I might have turned the air blue with my thoughts that night.  I just couldn’t come up with any one particular cause. I started reasoning, one by one, and had to face up to a few things that I had ignored for years.  Could it have been the way I ate?  I confessed that there has been a lack of fruit, vegetables and too many chillies in my eating habits.  Well, chillies were vegetables!

Bulimia and Past Expectations: I had to admit that I had been bulimic during my earlier years. It began in my early 20’s, and went into my early time with Colin.  That might have had an effect on my general health, which had to be considered, if the condition contributed to my illness.  It had reared it’s ugly head due to my general low self esteem since I was a child.  I had convinced myself that, anything I had achieved, hadn’t been good enough. Just like my school report card, I could have always done better.  I grew up with some family expectations, and much later, a long term boyfriend, who had regularly cheated on me over a 5 year period.   I guess I had felt pretty inadequate for a period, which had been the reason why I constantly worked hard to improve.  Winning second place, or someone’s second prize, just wouldn’t be good enough.  It hadn’t been anyone’s fault. I hadn’t been able to express my feelings back then, I was young and naive, so “I brushed it under the carpet”.  I might have come across as a bit quiet, aloof, and not very approachable.  It must have been my knee-jerk reaction to how I felt at that the time.   Parents normally would want their children to do well, but I had enough of each family conferences about my school grades, expectations of behaving more like a family member, the scrutiny of what I thought or why I behaved in a certain way.  I just wanted to be left alone and do what made me happy. Supposed I became rather moody until my twenties.

Past Relationship: As for the boyfriend. The continual game of him cheating, winning me back, resulted in more low self esteem. I felt that I wasn’t pretty enough, not thin enough or intelligent enough to have kept him interested.  How stupid was I?  Eventually, I woke up to the conclusion, that I was his loss when I finally snapped and had the courage to move on.  It was a real shame I never had the spunk and courage in the years before.  I don’t feel any bitterness but felt incredibly stupid about the complete waste of time, energy and emotion I had spent on someone who absolutely hadn’t deserved my affections.  Oh well, people say, hindsight is a wonderful thing …..

Good Relationship and Friends: My personal demons made me ashamed. I had found it difficult to talk of the past, so I shut up my emotions.  Nevertheless, although I should have opened up and released my pent up feelings, it had been stupidly important to me to shut up at the time.  I learned to appreciate people that supported and enriched my life.  I couldn’t allow negative influences in my life anymore.  Eventually, if anyone made me feel insecure, I eventually ignored and thought, “So what?”.   As long as I was happier or hadn’t intentionally hurt anyone, it was OK, with no apology.  I had been lucky to have experienced many years in a loving relationship with a good man in Colin and fortunate to have built up great and valued friendships.

Party & Socialising: I had to address the amount of the heavy partying and socializing that I had done. Well, Colin and I had been in the catering and leisure industry for so many years together in Spain. The generous measures, must have been a huge influence. Perhaps it had been too much drinking, late nights and early mornings? I was never a nasty drunk, just a bit mischievous at times when I was tipsy. My liver could have benefited from many breaks though.

Head Injury: I had considered my fight with the car boot (trunk), a few years earlier.  As I put my golf clubs into the boot, the door hadn’t automatically stayed open and slammed hard onto my head.  I was stunned, noticed some blood and furiously cursed out loud. I had been pretty sure my outburst hadn’t gone down too well in the golf club car park.  Not a very “lady-like” behavior in front of fellow members!  Eventually, I ended up with an ugly, purple and angry looking cyst on the right side of my forehead.  I began to develop a thicker fringe from then on to hide it. I stupidly thought that it would gradually disappear, but it hadn’t healed well over several months and sometimes bled from time to time. 

Eventually, I sought medical attention, when I developed awkward nosebleeds in public. I couldn’t ignore it any longer.  After tests, I had been informed that the ugly cyst sat on a major vein. After several more check ups, I was told that the surgeon reported his reluctance for surgery, in case I bled to death!  Great, I had been abandoned to that deformity until they could came up with a solution!

Workload and Stress: I had to accept that, judging from other people’s comments and observations, I had been working too hard for too many hours.  However, as my schedule and deadlines had always been tight, I arrogantly thought, “who else would do it?”.  I got hyped up from one daily drama to another, which had been totally crucial to me at the time. 

Reflections: Could the past reasons have been the cause of my condition? Could my situation have been a combination of all my past bad choices?  If that was the case, I had no one to blame but myself.  Could I possibly have a chance to change all that?

All sorts of things went through my mind.  However, my priority moved to the repeated lack of getting my left arm and leg to move that night, my main aim was to improve. If it was at all possible.  There had been no point in self blame. Too darned late for that!  What happened, had happened to me.  I had to concentrate on what I could do next and move forward from that.

Luck and Timing is Crucial: It occurred to me that I had actually survived a coma and major brain bleed.  It was such a big deal!  In an instant, the possibility that I might never have survived or had an opportunity to change things in my life,  totally blew my mind! 

I realized how lucky I had been with each element of timing. Colin came home in time, the quick response of the ambulance, the presence of mind of the female doctor who had saved my life.  Every second, or any minute more, could have resulted in a very different and negative outcome.  How very lucky was I?  I began to no longer feel sorry for myself.  Just an incredible gratefulness to have survived.  That was something not to sniff at, or take lightly.  I must have survived for some reason!  I had no clue what for, but as I lay in my immobile state, I started with a lsome of confidence of improving my situation.

NEXT DAY

Loss of Hearing and My Strange Speech: I must have drifted off into a tired sleep again. Gradual images of Colin and my sisters had appeared, it was so great to see them.  Unfortunately, my speech struggled, and became high pitched and child-like as I strained to talk with them.   I heard myself speak, but what came out of my mouth didn’t sound right or like me.  I attempted to feel around the inside of my mouth with my swollen tongue again, and sensed the same phantom extra set of teeth.   The foreign noise out of me became increasingly annoying and maddening.  I couldn’t make myself heard, and the amount of times I had to repeat myself, really tried my patience. Where they all deaf?  On top of that, I had double vision.  I had no idea, of which version, whom, or what I had seen.  A horrible experience.

Next Door Patient Disappeared: As I had all sorts of the things on my mind, I never noticed that my previous overnight neighbour had disappeared.  Colin first opened up the conversation, as he had noticed her in another room on his way to see me.  He asked her if everything had been alright.  Apparently, the poor woman had terminal cancer and had requested to be moved, as she needed peace and quiet. I had disturbed her with my loud snoring.  Me! I hadn’t been able to breathe properly due to the nose drips, so had to breathe through my mouth.  When he told me, I was mortified!  Eventually, I saw the funny side.  That poor woman ……

Where was my Jewellery?: I suddenly recalled the tussle over my jewellery, when I was at the other hospital.  I tried to tell Colin that I had been robbed.  He giggled when he understood what I was trying to say, and assured me that he had kept my precious articles at home.  Thank goodness!  He told me that I had been daft, but those items were of great importance to me.  I would have been devastated if I had lost them.

Ordered to Relax: I recalled that I had been working on completing a print deadline before my attack, so I was worried we missed it.  Colin ordered me to calm down, Lara (his sister) had thankfully and kindly stepped in to help.  I had to let go, relax, and accept that I had been placed on an enforced holiday.  No argument. Colin had been very adamant.

We had passed the time by catch up on hearing their chatter, news, and discussion how to activate the TV and internet in my room – that seemed to be the height of importance then.  All that time I had no sense of date or time.  When I finally was able to spit out “when”, to my surprise, it was Wednesday!  Alarmed by the loss of time, the print deadline was too late, I struggled and tried to say “home”.  Colin told me to behave and snapped, “what could you do about it?”. He reasoned that everything would be sorted.  All my signed objections had been slapped down and everyone insisted that I had to calm down, relax or I would risk a relapse.  I hadn’t been happy, but they were right.  I had no choice, but to grudgingly backed off in a sulk.

NEXT FEW DAYS

Staff Routine and Sadist Nurse: I had observed the daily routine of the nursing staff.  My arm drips would bleep at times, which meant they were near empty and needed replacing.  Someone would check my blood pressure a couple of times a day, note the time, details, then move on.  The bed wipe downs were quick, insensitive and humiliating.  I had felt like a slab of meat, tossed about on a butcher’s block.  These may have been normal duties for the staff but, it seemed that my feelings hadn’t been of much importance.  It appeared as though nobody took into account that, although my body failed me, my mind had been fully alert through those ordeals.  During each morning, a nurse appeared with a big needle, cleaned an area of my stomach with a damp swab, then stabbed me with her injection.  It had never been on my paralysed left side, always thrusted into the sensitive right side! I grew to dread her sudden appearances.  The sadist! 

Welcome Visits: When Colin and my sisters visited, they were definitely a pleasant diversion away from my boring hospital life.  I never knew how long they stayed, because I grew tired fairly frequently.  They chatted and joked, but  Colin always ignored my attempted slurred mantra of, “home” and “computer?”.   The non-committal answer had always been, “Hmmmm” or “Soon”.  I thought that I honestly thought I could complete my work from my bed.  Surely I could operate my laptop, mouse and type with my good hand?  I had totally ignored the fact I that I had double vision and trouble grasping things with my good hand.  Yes, I had been stubborn and Colin had to calm me down, yet again. When I became a real pain, Colin told me, “Bloody hell woman! Although you’re half paralysed, such a shame it hadn’t extended to your tongue!”. Charming! I laughed for the first time, and the mood had lightened in the room. When visiting hours ended, I hated the goodbyes. I had been left alone and vulnerable in the hands of strangers again.  I just wanted to be home.  Why was it so difficult for them to let me go home?

Please view next page 7 at Link “A Few Days and Start of Physiotherapy”: https://www.rebootinglinda.com/next-few-days-start-of-physiotherapy/

CONTACT FORM: Please leave a comment …..
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Day 6 – Thursday 17^th January 2019

Medical Update: Gradually, I kept awake more often, became more aware of what occurred around me, as the dull hospital schedule continued.  I had been told that I was improving, getting stronger but why the restraints?  Colin told me that I had been trying to pull free from my drips and feed tubes in my sleep again, so I had been tied down at night.  Charming! Back to torture sessions again!  Colin informed me that my brain blood clot had been large and was in a dangerous place in my lower cranium.  My Doctor, had told Colin that it had been a miracle that I pulled through at all. I hadn’t been out of the woods yet. I had to relax more and stop my fight against their medical staff and procedures. 

Speech Slight Improvement: I had slept much better, with no unusual and intriguing dreams.  It really must have been the previous medication!  My speech had slightly improved, but I still slurred like a drunk. At least people could make out what I was trying to say.   Colin said that it hadn’t stopped my nagging, especially regarding the late print deadline.   I had no idea how bad I must have sounded before, so I had to be more tolerant and not assume everyone had been deaf – it was me! It had been my fault when anyone had me repeat things.

Physio Therapy: I had been informed that I would start some physiotherapy the next day. Great news as it meant that I had made some progress.

Blood Pressure: After more tests, my blood pressure remained pretty high, so I needed even further tests. Dr Hamad hadn’t been happy with my condition and I had to be monitored even more. I certainly wasn’t going anywhere.  Colin and my sisters told me to hang on and to keep fighting.  For the life of me, I had no idea what else I was able to do!  Anything I had been asked to do, I tried. For everyone’s sake.  Not just for me.

INTRODUCING “Chuck”

Internet Messages: Colin and sisters had told me what lovely and amazing responses they had from Colin’s facebook updates.  I felt really touched, but still hadn’t been able to focus properly to read them.  Not even with my reading glasses!  It had been horrible not responding myself, when I normally would have replied fairly quickly to emails and social media. However, I had to learn to accept that I couldn’t rush things, be calm and be more patient.  Not something that I have ever been known for.  As we talked about our facebook friends, Colin mentioned that he had been in contact with “Chuck” a few times.  Who was Chuck?  Well, a few years before, I had discovered that he was my American blood father. If you would like to read our story, please click on the following link: HERE

MY FIRST WEEK – 18^th January 2019

Blood Test Result: Back in the hospital, the new tests showed that my blood clot had reduced very slightly, so Dr Hamad had been a little happier with me.  I had no idea how the clot had reduced, but I was in a more relaxed frame of mind that week.

My First Physio Session: My first physiotherapist came that afternoon.  Although I hadn’t said anything, I had been pretty appalled to be faced by a very young woman. She looked about 15 years old!  This would be the person to tell me what to do?  Yeah right!  Colin and my sisters watched intently, as I had to go through certain motions.  The physio lady had been very patient with me, as she established the lack of movement in my left arm and leg.  She had shown me how to use my good right hand to lift my bad left arm, which I had to repeat exercises at least 10 times a day.  The reason for this exercise was to wake up my muscles and stimulate some eventual response.  The explanation had made sense, so I tried to do it regularly.  I had a new found respect for the phsysio lady afterwards. She no longer resembled a child in my eyes.

19^th January 2019

Card Shark: When Colin and my sisters visited, I kept asking when I could go home.  I must have driven them mad, so Colin told me I couldn’t leave until I would be able to walk out of the hospital.  At least I had something to aim for.  I had desperately wanted to prove to everyone that, after regular exercise of my left arm and leg, I could be OK to go home.  To prove that I had been getting back to normal, I challenged Colin and Vivian to a card game of gin rummy.  Unfortunately, I just couldn’t shuffle or deal the cards like I used to, so they had to do these tasks for me. I had failed my first test.  I needed my good right hand to pick each card and then discard. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to hold the dealt cards in my left hand properly. I resorted to hide them flat on my bed, under my bed sheet.  I had failed the second test. It took me an age to pick up, discard and check my cards, and to their dismay, however, I actually won eventually!  I thought I had proven my right to go home.  Noooooo! I was told that I had to be more patient than that.  Rats!  It was worth the effort to bargain for.

22^nd January 2019

Armchair Torture: I was told that I had seemed pretty lucid, but my speech still slurred. Only time would tell.  After a few days of the physio visits, I had been forced to sit in an armchair for a couple of hours.  I hated it and constantly asked to return to the comfort of my bed. Colin and sisters had insisted that I had to be patient and continue to sit for at least an hour each time.  This would be good for my diaphragm. The longer I sat and could bear to sit upright, the better it would for me.  I had loathed the sitting routine but, the more I tried, the more positive the tests would be and the sooner I would be allowed home ……

Please view next page 8 at Link “More Tests and Being a Naughty Girl”: https://www.rebootinglinda.com/more-tests-and-being-a-naughty-girl/

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Being “Naughty”

Tubes and Adult Diapers: It had occurred to me that, although I hadn’t been able to move, how come I hadn’t eaten or been to the bathroom after so many days?  I hadn’t felt any urges to eat, but I questioned in my mind why I hadn’t been to the bathroom yet.  I gathered that the drips had been compensating for the no evidence, or memory of a meal.  However, no visit to the bathroom had been really odd.  I looked around, and as I had seen people and staff go in and out, what I had worked out was the door at the base of my bed that must have been the bathroom.  I really wanted to go through that door. However, my drips, things, and paralysis restricted me from even trying. 

I understood why the drips had been attached to me, but I suddenly became aware of other equipment (catheters) attached to my private parts.  I was horrified. I quickly and gradually pulled them away with my right hand.  It certainly explained my lack of visits to the bathroom. After some emergency bleeping noises, the poor nurses had to face and clean up the awful mess later.  Naughty me! I later was reduced to the indignity of wearing adult diapers after that.  One nurse actually dropped her face down to my face level, and angrily scowled at me through her gritted teeth, ” never touch any tubes again!”, in Spanish.  I felt like a child and that had been well and extremely told off!  However, after that, it meant that I had more freedom of movement each day to sit in the arm chair for an hour. Even with the big “Bridget Jones” sized diapers!

A Little Try at Being Adventurous: That hadn’t been the end of my curiosity.  I reasoned that, if I had a good leg, I should have been able to limp my way over to that elusive bathroom.  Wrong!  When I had managed to slowly edge myself off the end of the bed, I tried to stand up and realised that I had made a huge mistake. I hadn’t taken into account how weak I had been and ended up crashing in a heap onto the floor.  I had made such a clatter, which attracted a lot of attention.  Again, the nursing staff hadn’t been too amused with me. I became a “fall risk” from then on.  I really couldn’t blame them.   I could have fallen badly, cracked my head or broken something.  It never occurred to me at the time though.  I was just had in a hurry to prove I that I could walk, or at least limp.  Boy had I been wrong!

24^th January

First Swallow Test: I had a few sessions of attempting to stand up freely, to test my balance.  It had been tiring and I felt absolutely useless.  I constantly fell back onto my bed, to my frustration.  According to the nursing staff, I had pulled out my nose feeds.  I hadn’t recalled doing that, but I had pulled out the catheters earlier, so I really couldn´t argue.  Dr Hamad had been concerned that as I had pulled my nose tubes out, resulted in arrangements for a swallow test.  He told me that, if I choked when I swallowed, the feeding tubes would be reinstalled. If I managed to swallow, I would not have them back in.  No way did I want them back! – A new challenge for me! Two nurses arrived with an orange jello concoction and spoon fed me gently.  After I had kept down 3 spoonfuls, one of the nurses declared me “champion!”  That was the start of me gradually being able to have liquids.

Brushing my teeth: I finally had permission to have my teeth dry brushed.  My breath must have been horrendous, but I’d been allowed a clean with an awful tasting paste. No water, or any liquids, meant I readily accepted the dry and horrible version. It had become a new luxury at this stage.  As for my hair, I must have looked terrible. I had been at the mercy of the nursing staff and their military bed washing routine.

Sad News of a Friend: Colin broke the awful news that our good friend, Steve from my golf club, had been admitted into Marbella hospital.  The poor man had suffered over a year with throat cancer. Over many months he had lost a great deal of weight, fought through several tests and attended many hospital appointments. He bravely faced up to his new fight.   I had been shocked to hear and frustrated because I had no ability to directly contact his wife, Stephanie. Colin and I hoped that Steve would get on the road to recovery, but the news hadn’t sounded encouraging.  

26^th January

Relatives Constant Comfort: Susan, my middle sister, had to go back to her family. I had been totally grateful for her presence, but amazed she had stayed for so long.  Each day had been a schedule of Colin and my sisters visiting me, while they stayed in a local pension (motel), that had been conveniently close to Malaga hospital.  It couldn’t have been easy for them. Vivian had work commitments back in London, Susan had her husband and daughter in Manchester, and Colin with the stress from running the business, finances and commuting from our house an hour away . Poor Colin had been left with juggling to get the business back on track, dealt with mounting paperwork, had to sort our dwindling finances from a distance, while I had been out of action.  I had been so grateful for their moral support.   Just their presence when I woke up, had been very comforting but I felt totally useless.

No Solid Food:  I hadn’t been allowed solids yet, in case I choked, or got pneumonia. I had to watch what I could, or wasn’t permitted to have. I hated that I had to be spoon fed and had been placed on a regime normally for diabetics.  I had soup, that looked and smelled horrible, but I soon got hooked on drinking yoghurts – especially the chocolate versions.  Dr Hamad visited, and he seemed happy with my progress. He mentioned the possibly of release home on the following Monday.  I became so happy.

The Night Shift: I had a bit of a problem with the night carers. They turned out to be different to the kind nursing staff of the day shift.  The nightly “Diaper Brigade” only came round 4 four times a night. This meant that I had been left for ages until I had been given a regimented change-over, irrespective of the fact that I had very little control of my bodily functions.  Although I had buzzed for help during the night, I had been constantly ignored!  I became so angry one night, that I had managed to take off my diaper with my good hand, and just dropped it onto the floor.  That certainly attracted their attention, but I had been marked as a troublemaker!   I had nick named them the “Night Witches”, as we developed a mutual animosity.  Yes, I had been naughty, but could anyone have blamed me?

Nightly Tie Down: I dreaded the end of visiting hours, because “The Witches” saw fit to tie me down in my bed each night.  It had been so bad, I wasn’t able to lift my good arm to even scratch an itch, which became a ritual of being tied down, of me objecting and squirming every night. Each morning, upset at my distress, Colin or my sister released me.  The staff had been requested several times, not to bind me. However, they had continued anyway every night. 

One night, I had been held down by four of them, while force fed with some mashed up pills into a jelly.  I had struggled and refused to open my mouth. Two of the “Witches” had grabbed my nose and chin, to pry my mouth apart. My nose had been pinched so hard that I developed a nosebleed!  I angrily tried to shout “no authority” to force me, or tie me down.  One of the “Witches” replied in Spanish, “who are you going to tell?  The hospital?”.  The following morning, after Colin or Vivian had released me again, they realised that I had been too afraid and distressed to go to sleep at night. Vivian had kindly volunteered to sleep in the arm chair next to my bed.  She kept me calm, held my hand, spoon fed me and made sure my diapers had been changed at any time of the night.  There had been no way I could have described the relief of her presence.  It gave me such peace of mind and it had been so thoughtful of her to be on hand. After that, I stopped behaving like a naughty girl for while ……..

Please view next page 9 at Link “Tantrums, Final Release and Going Home”: https://www.rebootinglinda.com/more-naughty-tantrums-going-home/

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Going Home – False Alarm: Dr Hamad confirmed that, as he had been satisfied with my progress, I could possibly go home on Monday. I tried to stay calm, stopped being a nuisance and kept my mouth shut.  Nothing bothered me much, except Colin kept skipping my questions about our late print deadline.

 Although Lara (sister in law) had kindly stepped in to finish off the January / March issue, I was concerned that she wasn’t aware of my system of working, my style of design, unfamiliar with our list of clients and how to deal with each.  I had always thought it very important for the “personal touch”, so how could that have been maintained while I was in hospital?  Naturally I was worried, but as Colin pointed out, there was precious little I could do, so I had to concentrate on getting better and not to get too stressed out. That was part of the cause that got me into my condition in the first place, I guess.  I was told that my blood pressure had been through the roof at the time of my attack. So with that, combined with stress – those symptoms might have caused my stroke and subsequently the major brain bleed.  Dr Hamad, Colin and everyone around me insisted that I had to learn to let go and relax more, or I would risk a relapse.  I had to reluctantly accept.  I had been warned. I hated it!

Lost Control – I Wanted my Life Back!: It hadn’t been easy, as I lay on the sidelines, not aware of how things had been done in my absence.  Everything seemed to have been taken away from me.  It was hard for my ego to admit that I was replaceable.  I certainly wasn’t happy at all.  The stubborn side of me wanted to know everything, but Colin blocked me off at every question.   I guess Colin was right. He tried to protect me from everything that he must have been going through when I had my attack and while I was in hospital. It hadn’t prevented my concerns, or when I asked my many inconvenient questions.   I also must have been so infuriating with my continual mantras of, “I want my computers” and “I want to go home”.  To which Colin patiently replied “not yet” and “behave!”.  Why he hadn’t gagged me was a wonder.  Well, he had previously joked that it had been a pity my tongue “hadn’t also been paralysed“. Cheek!

More Cards – Bit of Colin’s Backgammon Background: Vivian and I passed some of the visiting period playing gin rummy again. I had lost to her miserably. We also watched Spanish TV, while Colin relaxed by playing free backgammon games on his ipad, or secretly sorted out all sorts of things with Lara in preparation for the magazine print, the business and my home-coming.  Although he had been retired, Colin was, and still remained, an amazing backgammon player.  He first won the European Championship in 1980, where he became friends with (name drop alert), James Hunt, the formula 1 World racing champion. 

Colin and James: Colin and James became good friends and followed each other in various international tournaments and race venues. Eventually, they went onto open a night club in Marbella together, during the early 1980’s, called “Oscars”. The place was named after James’ dog!  Anyway, during that heady period, as James succeeded on the race track, Colin got through into many world cup backgammon tournaments.  Could you name any of the young faces in the attached photo?

Monday 28^th January

Hospital Release – Another False Alarm!: Release was the day I had looked forward to, permission to go home at last.  Afraid not!  Dr Hamad announced he had forgotten to arrange another MRI (brain scan) on the previous Friday, so there would have to be a further delay.  I had been totally deflated.  After counting the days and hours since the previous news, this update was a complete let down.  Dr Hamad stated that he hadn’t been sure when I could go home, but could most possibly be the next day or on Wednesday, if he could book the scan session in time.  If my results ended up to be negative, he wouldn’t release me!

It wasn’t exactly news that I wanted to hear, but I had to keep positive. Colin told me he had to return home to Estepona, to prepare for my arrival.  The poor man had so much to organise and make several phone calls to plan the delivery of a wheelchair, stroller, hospital bed and other stuff for hire and installation into the downstairs of our house.  Vivian stayed behind to care for me.  The poor girl continued to put up with sleeping in the awkward armchair, beside my bed at night again.  I certainly hadn’t been aware of the kind of lengths Colin, family and friends went through to make the right arrangements and preparation for my homecoming.   They all were absolute heroes.

Tuesday 29^th January

Going Home – Another False Alarm!: I had hoped for positive news, but Dr Hamad apologetically announced that my MRI wouldn’t be until the next day.  Another let down!  He saw the disappointment in my face, reassuringly squeezed my right hand and said, “don’t worry, very soon”.  That hadn’t given me much confidence, but I kept smiling.  Actually, I sulked like hell when he left! In the meantime, I had phone updates from Colin, that he and Lara had re-organised our lounge to fit in the hired bits and pieces.  Everything would be ready for me.  I naturally moaned because I hadn’t been released yet, but Colin kept telling me to be patient.  Patient. I wanted to scream!

Wednesday 30^th January – Day of my Release

Wheeled Off For Last Physio Session: At last Dr Hamad told me that I would be getting my MRI that morning.  Vivian had to leave for the airport within the next couple of hours.   We both had been hoping that, she could come home with me in the ambulance, but it worked out to be impossible to fit in before her flight.  A wheelchair had arrived to whisk me off for my final meeting with the physiotherapist, as Vivian stayed in my room.  When I got there, other patients were going through their exercises. Eventually, the physio, with another carer, together helped to lift me up, as I tried to grab a bar (unfortunately not the drinking kind) in front of me. I had to stand upright, so she could assess if I was able to stay balanced for a few seconds.  Unfortunately, after several humiliating attempts of slumping back into the wheel chair, I just couldn’t grip the bar hard and long enough with both hands.  After I had been so long in bed, I had become so very weak, my legs and hands couldn’t support my full weight.  I felt totally useless, as they laughed and placed me back into the wheel chair.  I became worried that fiasco would count against the Dr’s decision to release me.  Nobody had told me how good or badly I had done, so I had no idea and guessed that I must have failed miserably. The porter then silently wheeled me back to my room, where Vivian had waited patiently for me during that time.  I definitely hadn’t felt very confident after my last sorry performance.

My Last Scan Experience: I still had high hopes of my MRI scheduled for later that day, so I had to say my sad goodbye and major thank you to Vivian, before she left for the airport.  I really had felt alone and inadequate, while I waited for any or more updated news.  However, not long afterwards, a porter had collected and wheeled me in my bed to another section of the hospital.  It had been quite an adventure, as we moved along unfamiliar corridors and passed various people staring or gave sympathetic looks towards me.  I had no choice but to smile back but inside, I felt quite embarassed.  They had finally parked me in a room with people in a seating area at the base of the bed I had to be transferred to.  It seemed ages until I was attended to, but eventually they wheeled me into another room with a red light on – all science fiction type aura. 

Horrible MRI Scan – Nobody Had Warned Me!: Nobody had explained anything to me, so I became naturally nervous being on my own.  In the red room, a few people had transferred me over to a big machine. I laid back and they slid me inside a metal container. Here we go again – like before! There had been some sort of other contraption placed over my head, so that my head would be locked in and couldn’t move.  Eventually, they glided me backwards into a familiar looking iron coffin.  Inside, I had been able to see staff reflected in a mirror above my head, then an almighty banging started.   I couldn’t move and was frozen. The noise had been incessant, very loud and I tried screaming, “get me out of here”. the only response had been the thumbs up sign or a hand signal, up and down, which indicated that I should calm down in the mirror reflection, but I continued to wriggle and shout out.  The torture had seemed never-ending but, to my relief, it eventually ceased.  I still had no explanation given to me and was silently transferred back in my hospital room, then onto my bed.  I had no clue what had happened, how the test went and if I was going to be released. I felt totally vulnerable and pretty scared.

My Final Release from Hospital

Tried to Update Colin: I had waited for ages, and it seemed like hours.  Fortunately, I had my mobile phone and clumsily fumbled with the buttons. I still hadn’t been able to focus properly even with my glasses on.  Each attempt had been clumsy and horribly awkward. I frustratingly fumbled, failed a number of times, when I tried to dial Colin’s number. It had been a bit of a challenge then.   I must have accidentally called others on a few occasions. Eventually, when I succeeded, I give Colin regular updates and complaints about mt ordeal.  Poor man.

Final Release Confirmation: Dr Hamad had finally shown up, gave me the good news that he had been satisfied with my scan and I was to be released later.  At last!  I felt even more excited, when I witnessed the nursing staff bundle my belongings away in plastic bags. I just had to update Colin by phone again. 

Eventually, my bed had been transferred to another room, where I was left to wait for ages.  Each time I tried to attract a nurse, none of them knew when the ambulance would come to collect me.  I had almost lost it when they came round with feeding trays.  I hadn’t asked for food, nor wanted to eat!  I just wanted to go home!  I must have driven the nurses mad with my impatience.

Grew More Impatient: As the time passed, I became more agitated as my questions continued to be ignored.  I told Colin that I hadn’t understood why he wouldn’t fetch me.  Each call had ended with, “be patient”. I was positive that everyone had forgotten me.  I no longer felt the security of my old hospital room to go back to.  After a while, I rang Colin again and told him that I wanted to get a taxi home.  He went beserk and pointed out that I couldn’t even walk, couldn’t speak properly and had no money. How was I going to achieve that?  I was past caring. I would find a way, which he impatiently responded, “don’t be ridiculous!”.  Apparently, I must have called him around 22 times by then.  The poor man.  I had no choice but to lay back and wait even longer.  I hadn´t the ability to do what I wanted. All had not been well with me, so I sulked even more. 

The Ambulance Home

I waited an eternity, but was suddenly faced with the welcome sight of a friendly looking paramedic at the side of my bed.  My spirits soared but I hadn’t wanted to ruin the moment with, “where the hell have you been?”. He wheeled me out of the room. I had finally got out of that place!  If truth would be known, who would have been more relieved by my departure? Me, Colin or the hospital staff? 

At that stage, I really hadn’t a care. The paramedic rolled me into the back of the ambulance and I had felt us move away from the Hospital.  He had kindly supplied me with some colourful magazines, but I had no energy or capability to flick through them.  I just concentrated on working out, through the side windows where we had stopped and what places we had passed.  I was completely disorientated. Nothing looked familiar or comforting.  The only thing that kept my spirits up were the further phone calls between Colin and me, while I attempted to describe my surroundings and we tried to work out where I was at each stop. We discussed where I was, or how much longer I might get home.  I really hadn’t been concerned because, although my driver took me the “scenic route”, I knew that I would eventually be home.  The ambulance finally slowed down and I had actually recognised some trees and buildings through the windows.  I felt so excited when the vehicle stopped, the back doors opened and I was rolled out to the pleasing and grinning faces of Colin and Lara. I was at home at last …….

Please view next page 10 at Link “Home and a First Few Days Adapting”: https://www.rebootinglinda.com/home-first-few-days-adapting/

CONTACT FORM: Please leave a comment …..
We would love to hear from you and appreciate if you will “Share” your comments or experience with us. This will help us make a compilation of stories to help others to give hope and encouragement for their journey to recovery.

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