Sunday 3rd February
Not Good With Babies: I woke up and felt rather disoriented again. I’d forgotten that I was back home. There I lay on my hired hospital bed. I heard Colin pottering around in the kitchen, which was strange to get used to because I would’ve normally been the one up early and in there. I also heard Lara speak softly with Colin about what needed to be done that day and meal plans. All the time, I had been aware of Lara’s son, Lucas, making noises and an even bigger clatter whenever he decided to chuck a toy out of his play pen. The toys added to the other assortment of discarded items on our floor. I’ve never been very tolerant with young toddlers, but I never thought I’d be in a competition with one for being “the naughty one” in the house!
My New Surroundings: As I spied around the lounge, I knew that things had been arranged to make room for my bed and equipment. However, I hardly recognized the place! The sofas had been re-aligned in such a way so that Colin could sleep next to me and stop Lucas from wandering off to wherever he shouldn’t. I also noticed that quite a few special ornaments had disappeared. They had been hidden or relocated, in case Lucas took a liking to them or came to harms way. At the base of my bed was a wheelchair and stroller. I thought, Colin was being a bit confident in me walking again. I had problems pulling myself up in bed! With the aid of an electric remote, I discovered I could move the top half of the bed, to help me into the sitting position. Anyway, my lounge layout was the least of my problems. I certainly hadn’t the ability to freely get up to put everything back into order again.
The Morning Ritual: When Colin realized that I woke, he sweetly brought a glass of water and handed me a toothbrush with paste on it. While I was in hospital, I grew used to someone else cleaning my teeth. Colin reckoned that, as I had a good right hand, it was time I started to clean my own teeth. Colin had always been an unbearable chirpy “morning person” at times, which I never was. When presented with the toothbrush, I thought that he’d become a bully and gone mad! In fact, he was right. It felt good to have cleaned my teeth for the first time by myself, with real toothpaste, instead of that horrible tasting stuff they gave me in Hospital. God, my breath must have been really fowl! Later I felt the fresh feeling of clean teeth again – it was wonderful.
Bath Time: Lara and Colin, between them had started to bed bath me with wet sponges and towels. I was disheartened. Although they meant well, and it was necessary, I felt so embarrassed. They had been very kind and gentle, however, I felt completely useless as they moved around my dead weight body. In order to make these change overs more practical, it was better for me to wear one of Colin’s t-shirts, or sweaters, for ease of getting in and out of them to cover my body. With my bad left arm, my usual smaller tops had been too tight. We tried my tops at first, but my bad arm would become stuck, when we tried to get it into the sleeve. So we resorted to Colin’s clothes. We hadn’t bothered with the bottom half of me, because of the regular needed diaper changes. Humiliating as it was, I had to accept that I no longer could do these things for myself.
Della’s First Day
My First Massage Session: Della arrived on time at 10.00 am, as arranged. She was bright, cheery and had a friendly banter with Colin and Lara as they planned my schedule. Della then came to my bed and began to massage my legs. I felt her touch to my right leg, which was soothing and lovely, but I had no response from my left leg. I asked her, with my bad and slow slurry speech, why she had bothered with my left leg, when it was my rightt one that responded. Apparently it was important to treat both legs and arms equally. Although I felt nothing in my left arm and leg, she wanted to stimulate my “sleeping” muscles and make sure all the limbs were to be treated equally. That made sense to me, but I thought that it was such a pity to have wasted a perfectly good massage on my left arm and leg, when I wasn’t able to have the benefit of enjoying the experience.
Everyone Got On Well Together: Della had been great and I felt comfortable with her. We had plenty of chats to catch up with things, and it was a good job she had good hearing and was able to lip-read a great deal, through my clumsy attempts to communicate. She also had a good connection with Lara, as she began to help out in the house with anything that needed to be done, so Lara could have much needed time to herself and Lucas. Everyone had been so kind in adapting to me. I felt awkward every time I felt thirsty, hungry or had to ask for something to be brought to my bed. However, I felt more at ease with the more comfortable atmosphere between Colin, Lara and Della.
My Thoughts of Possibilities: I found myself with thoughts of “if only” moments. “If only” I could sit up properly, get into the wheel chair, go to the downstairs W.C. or go upstairs for a good shower. When Della left, I pulled back my sheet and stared at my left big toe. I had moved my right one OK, but staring at my left one wouldn’t make it move! I tried to concentrate really hard but nothing happened. I said to myself, “move, damn it, move!”, but again nothing. It was equally the same with my left arm. If I wanted to move my left arm, I had to hold and move it with my right hand. I just thought that I couldn’t envision to be able to I get back to normal. Was this going to be permanent? Was this going to be my life from now on? No way!
Tuesday 5th February
Felt Grateful: I had been home almost a week and we all got into a comfortable routine. Della fitted in well. She helped out in the house when she could, between when she cared for me. Although I felt my spirits lifted a little, I still hadn’t been able to move and was still bedridden. Eventually, I was “allowed” very short, limited periods with my laptop, to catch up with emails and posts from friends via facebook. Colin told me that it was time I posted for myself to let people know updates and that I could be contacted directly. Even though, I had one moving hand, so he felt that he couldn’t keep up with his own posts, while he had to answer his phone in relation to enquiries about me and run our business. I saw his point, so I made my first post on social media. I thought that I had to say how grateful I felt. For those not on social media, I basically posted that I’d been sooooooooo very grateful for the cards, calls, love and messages of all concerned for my well being. I recapped on what had happened, and my thanks to Colin, Lara, my family and wonderful friends. Honestly, it had been a bit over the top and sounded like an Oscars award acceptance speech! However, I really felt very fortunate as things could have been worse.
That night, while Lara and baby went upstairs and Colin fell asleep on the sofa next to me again, as I lay there pondering. Tomorrow would be my 59th Birthday. I was so close to not celebrating it at all ……
6th February
My Birthday: I woke up to Colin and Lara with their “Happy Birthday” greetings. Normally I would have scuttled around, made a few grumbles about my age and got on with work things. Not this particular year. I really hadn’t cared that I became a year older. All that mattered was that I had been able to celebrate it at all. I became astounded by the amount of lovely messages on social media and emails. I was totally surprised by phone calls, the delivery of plants, flowers, chocolates and gifts. We had a few unexpected visitors, one was Jane who shared the same birth date as me. She and Des (the guy I thought had pretended to be Colin in my coma / dream state), popped in to see me on their way to Cancelada village for a Birthday meal that night. How thoughtful to have popped over to not breaking our yearly habit of wishing each other “Happy Birthday”. I was so touched and overwhelmed, I posted a photo and video to thank everyone over the next few days. I looked awful, but I was past caring. I just wanted to say “Thank You”. I really appreciated the fuss was spoiled by the ones I love, special friends and made to feel a bit more normal again ……
Please view next page 12 at link “First Sign og Movement”: https://www.rebootinglinda.com/first-sign-of-movement-and-feeling-positive/
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Finally being home wasn’t what you thought it would be because of your inability to do things for yourself and having to be cared for by others, which was somewhat embarrassing but necessary. Not being able to move your left side was a shock and major adjustment that you put your mind to accepting and working to control. With the help of everyone you needed to exist pulled you through those initial trying times and you made it…now it’s on to full recovery.
Many thanks – you are right, learning to adjust and having to swallow my pride was difficult as I had always been in control and do things for others. In the end I have been lucky to have amazing people in my life that wouldn’t let me lose hope. Take care LINDA xxx