Home That Night – Wednesday 30th January
The nice paramedic finally unloaded me. It was so lovely to see Colin & Lara’s smiling and welcoming faces. I was wheeled down our entrance steps and I could see a replica of my hospital bed in our re-arranged lounge. Between Colin, Lara and the paramedic, I had been gently transferred to my new bed and then the guy left.
It had taken me a few minutes to adjust to my new floor plan. It was familiar, but not. All sorts of things had been changed around to make room for my bed and other equipment. I noticed all sorts of new things, changes of furniture, missing ornaments and my surroundings, but I really hadn’t cared at that point. I was too excited and so very happy to be safe, finally be home, united with Colin and Lara, who obviously had gone to great lengths to change things around for me.
Beautiful Messages & Gifts: Colin and Lara pointed out various flowers, orchid plants, chocolates and gifts that had been sent from some lovely friends. Lara had wonderfully displayed them for me on the dining table, to the right of me, so that I would be able to see from my bed. Colin and Lara had taken turns to kindly read out well-meaning messages from social media and cards. Although I was incapable of responding, I felt really touched and grateful of how kind people had been with their good wishes and support towards them and my family.
My Previous Mad Phone Calls: That night, Colin had complained about the umpteen mad, step-by-step phone calls I made to him before. From when he woke up, my last physio session, the crucial MRi (scan) reading, the final release from hospital and my journey home – the poor man! I must have driven him insane, especially as I couldn’t speak properly! However, he eventually told me that, after all the aggravation, he had been really glad I was home.
First Meal Home: It was fairly late but Colin and Lara went about to make sure I felt comfortable, cosy and warm with a log fire burning in the lounge. They then went into the kitchen to prepare homemade roast vegetable soup for me (from my recipe).
Because of the previous hospital swallow test, I hadn’t been allowed any liquids, like water, milk, or solid food but we tried. Their soup version had been a very welcome and tasty – a change to the previous hospital offerings. What had been really embarrassing was that I had to be spoon-fed like an infant again, like in Hospital, however, I had no choice but to accept each grateful mouthful. I was like a helpless baby. I had to ask if I wanted more, or if I had enough to eat as each spoon was offered. This was difficult to accept and adapt to. I had always been fiestly independent most of my life, so as I’ve been reduced to acknowledging others doing things for me, it was very difficult ….
My Cats Greeting: I was so delighted that my darling cats hadn’t forgotten me. They immediately jumped on my bed – Lucky, the black cat head butted me & wandered to my pillow area. Spooky, the white cat kept nuzzling against me and settled at the bottom of the bed. Such a lovely atmosphere to fall asleep to ….
Diaper Alert
I still had to wear adult diapers, so if I had a lack of control, the diapers had to be changed regularly. It felt humiliating, but very necessary. Each time Colin or Lara would make a change, I felt undignified and humiliated, but always said, “thank you”. Inwardly, a part of me felt ashamed for my none independence and inability of control. I felt totally inadequate, as my dignity had gone out the window a long time ago in the hospital, but that was with strangers. With those closer to me, seemed to make me feel even worse.
Colin had slept on the sofa at night, refused to leave me in case I needed anything. Apparently, he hadn’t slept in our bed since my attack! While he slept, I had to pat him on the head several times during the night to change my diapers. I had no control over my body and felt awful when I had to wake him in the early hours. He never complained, half asleep, he always freely offered anything to eat or drink, no matter the time. I felt so low and useless, I told him that he had never “signed on” for having to do things like that for me. He stroked my face and held my right hand. His response, both shocked and humbled me, when he said, “don’t you realize, you are my life and I would die for you”. I was so very moved and hadn’t known what to say back apart from, “I love you”. How long would he still feel like that? He could have walked away from me at any time, but chose to stay and care for me. I couldn’t tell you how much I cried that night.
Friday 1st February 2019 – New Carer
Colin organised someone to care for me, as I obviously couldn’t help myself. Colin had to go about his normal daily routine. Lara had done a great job of stepping in my shoes to finish the magazine, so it was distribution time. This was a usually busy period for Colin to arrange the first drop off of deliveries. While Colin was out, Lara took over juggling running our house, responded to work related stuff, meeting the new carer, while looking after her 15 month old son, Lucas (Colin’s nephew). Not an easy task in an unfamiliar home and my home office. I think she had done extremely well, especially when she had her own life, home and work to sort out at the same time. I don’t think I’d ever thanked her anywhere near enough.
New Carer: I won’t mention names but, I hadn’t felt a particular warmth or enthusiasm with the new the carer. Our conversation had been uncomfortable and I felt that she was rather mechanical and went through the motions of what had been asked of her. I had been reluctant to say anything at the time, especially, as Colin had gone to the trouble of get someone for me. However, I hadn’t felt at ease. It boiled down to my necessity, rather than lack of choice in a short time, so I kept quiet.
Bruise on my Leg: I developed a bad looking bruise on my left “dead leg”, as I referred to it. I hadn’t felt anything wrong, so I wouldn´t have been aware of any pain that could have caused it because of my paralysis. The local nurse kindly passed by and informed us that the markings appeared normal. I had been moved around a lot recently, so I could have banged into anything, so we were not to be overly worried. She was lovely and kept asking me how I felt. A pleasant change to have been treated with respect directly, instead of discussions that usually happened around me or hovered over my head, as if I hadn’t been in the room. She had made me feel a bit more human.
Really Miffed with Colin
Colin had come home from drinks with the boys, from his usual friday night ritual. After what he had been through, I reckoned that he deserved a break. However, during his absence, Lara had kindly set up my lap top at my bed so that I could fumble with my mouse with my good hand. I tried to focus on the screen, slowly catch up with messages, emails and watch a little UK TV online with my good eye and right hand When Colin arrived, he hadn’t been happy to see me with my computer. I was ordered to rest and relax, he was furious, as he felt that I was getting back to my same routine. I argued that I was still alert enough and could operate things with my right hand. What was the harm? Colin immediately unplugged my computer! I was really enraged, “NO, NO” in my book. I had no choice or argument in the matter as my laptop got carted away. I was really livid.
Not Speaking To Colin Mode: That night, still smarting from the computer incident, I unfortunately realised that I needed my diaper changed again. I certainly decided that I didn’t want to wake Colin, sleeping on the sofa next to me, so I stubbornly opted to slowly edged myself to the bottom of the bed again. Logic told me that I could surely slide off the bed easily and crawl towards the downstairs W. C. However, I had no control of my body and totally slid underneath the bed naked! I had no idea how long I lay on the floor but, as Colin began to stir from his sleep, he heard a pathetic, “help” from me. He was a bit disorientated and it took him a few minutes to discover me in a knotted heap under my bed. “How on earth did you get there?”, he exclaimed. Poor Colin ended up struggling to drag me back on the bed and commence diaper duty. Certainly hadn’t been one of my proudest moments .……
Saturday 3rd February
Meeting the New Carer: We were expecting the new carer to turn up at 10.00 in the morning, as arranged, but she was a “No Show”. Surprise! We weren’t very impressed. Colin made arrangements for work and distribution of our magazine. The girl never had the courtesy to call or text to let him know why she hadn’t turned up. With the lack of knowing, or communication, Colin posted a request for a new carer on facebook, as timing became crucial. Later that day, he told me that an old friend of ours would come around for a chat early evening, but wouldn’t tell me who. I hadn’t felt very confident as I must have looked a mess. I hadn’t felt ready for social visits yet, but I realised the meeting would have been out of her kindness.
Positive Start: As it had turned out, the visitor was Della, who we’ve known for over 30 years. It had been a lovely surprise to see her again. Over the past years, Della had been doing hair and nails, then onto massages and learned how to care for people. She had been delightful, approachable and open to what we had in mind. As we had known her for so long and the choice had been very easy. Della and I had an immediate connection and I trusted her. She said that, although the next day would be Sunday, she could start that day. What a weight off our minds ……
Please view next page 11 at link 2″Settling In and My Birthday“: https://www.rebootinglinda.com/11-settling-in-and-my-birthday/
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Obvious adjusting to being at home was odd for you, but you made it. You learned quickly that you couldn’t do the normal things by yourself, that’s always upsetting but we learn to adjust and you quickly found out that you couldn’t get out of bed by yourself…I can imagine how you felt when you tried the first time…that must have been a sight! Being home was your first big step in your recovery and you have done very well and learned to appreciate others and let them help you. Again, my hat’s off to Colin.
Hi Chuck – Thank you again for your kind words. Yes it was difficult to accept that I couldn’t do anything for myself, so I had to swallow a lot of pride and I have appreciated everything that has been done for me. It was stubbornly stupid of me to think that I was ready to get out of bed alone. Certainly taught me a lesson! 🙂 Take Care LINDA xxx