6. Early Hospital Days – Home Truths

THE FACTS I HAD TO FACE

Wrong Diet: I admit that I felt totally numb and devastated when the revelations of my condition sank in.  I wasn’t able to get much sleep that night.  So many questions popped into my head, all at once. The answers I had to come up with myself, as I was alone and could speak to anyone.

 My first thought had been, “how come I ended up like this?”.   A perfectly natural question but, people close to me, would have known that I might have turned the air blue with my thoughts that night.  I just couldn’t come up with any one particular cause. I started reasoning, one by one, and had to face up to a few things that I had ignored for years.  Could it have been the way I ate?  I confessed that there has been a lack of fruit, vegetables and too many chillies in my eating habits.  Well, chillies were vegetables!

Bulimia and Past Expectations: I had to admit that I had been bulimic during my earlier years. It began in my early 20’s, and went into my early time with Colin.  That might have had an effect on my general health, which had to be considered, if the condition contributed to my illness.  It had reared it’s ugly head due to my general low self esteem since I was a child.  I had convinced myself that, anything I had achieved, hadn’t been good enough. Just like my school report card, I could have always done better.  I grew up with some family expectations, and much later, a long term boyfriend, who had regularly cheated on me over a 5 year period.   I guess I had felt pretty inadequate for a period, which had been the reason why I constantly worked hard to improve.  Winning second place, or someone’s second prize, just wouldn’t be good enough.  It hadn’t been anyone’s fault. I hadn’t been able to express my feelings back then, I was young and naive, so “I brushed it under the carpet”.  I might have come across as a bit quiet, aloof, and not very approachable.  It must have been my knee-jerk reaction to how I felt at that the time.   Parents normally would want their children to do well, but I had enough of each family conferences about my school grades, expectations of behaving more like a family member, the scrutiny of what I thought or why I behaved in a certain way.  I just wanted to be left alone and do what made me happy. Supposed I became rather moody until my twenties.

Past Relationship: As for the boyfriend. The continual game of him cheating, winning me back, resulted in more low self esteem. I felt that I wasn’t pretty enough, not thin enough or intelligent enough to have kept him interested.  How stupid was I?  Eventually, I woke up to the conclusion, that I was his loss when I finally snapped and had the courage to move on.  It was a real shame I never had the spunk and courage in the years before.  I don’t feel any bitterness but felt incredibly stupid about the complete waste of time, energy and emotion I had spent on someone who absolutely hadn’t deserved my affections.  Oh well, people say, hindsight is a wonderful thing …..

Good Relationship and Friends: My personal demons made me ashamed. I had found it difficult to talk of the past, so I shut up my emotions.  Nevertheless, although I should have opened up and released my pent up feelings, it had been stupidly important to me to shut up at the time.  I learned to appreciate people that supported and enriched my life.  I couldn’t allow negative influences in my life anymore.  Eventually, if anyone made me feel insecure, I eventually ignored and thought, “So what?”.   As long as I was happier or hadn’t intentionally hurt anyone, it was OK, with no apology.  I had been lucky to have experienced many years in a loving relationship with a good man in Colin and fortunate to have built up great and valued friendships.

Party & Socialising: I had to address the amount of the heavy partying and socializing that I had done. Well, Colin and I had been in the catering and leisure industry for so many years together in Spain. The generous measures, must have been a huge influence. Perhaps it had been too much drinking, late nights and early mornings? I was never a nasty drunk, just a bit mischievous at times when I was tipsy. My liver could have benefited from many breaks though.

Head Injury: I had considered my fight with the car boot (trunk), a few years earlier.  As I put my golf clubs into the boot, the door hadn’t automatically stayed open and slammed hard onto my head.  I was stunned, noticed some blood and furiously cursed out loud. I had been pretty sure my outburst hadn’t gone down too well in the golf club car park.  Not a very “lady-like” behavior in front of fellow members!  Eventually, I ended up with an ugly, purple and angry looking cyst on the right side of my forehead.  I began to develop a thicker fringe from then on to hide it. I stupidly thought that it would gradually disappear, but it hadn’t healed well over several months and sometimes bled from time to time. 

Eventually, I sought medical attention, when I developed awkward nosebleeds in public. I couldn’t ignore it any longer.  After tests, I had been informed that the ugly cyst sat on a major vein. After several more check ups, I was told that the surgeon reported his reluctance for surgery, in case I bled to death!  Great, I had been abandoned to that deformity until they could came up with a solution!

Workload and Stress: I had to accept that, judging from other people’s comments and observations, I had been working too hard for too many hours.  However, as my schedule and deadlines had always been tight, I arrogantly thought, “who else would do it?”.  I got hyped up from one daily drama to another, which had been totally crucial to me at the time. 

Reflections: Could the past reasons have been the cause of my condition? Could my situation have been a combination of all my past bad choices?  If that was the case, I had no one to blame but myself.  Could I possibly have a chance to change all that?

All sorts of things went through my mind.  However, my priority moved to the repeated lack of getting my left arm and leg to move that night, my main aim was to improve. If it was at all possible.  There had been no point in self blame. Too darned late for that!  What happened, had happened to me.  I had to concentrate on what I could do next and move forward from that.

Luck and Timing is Crucial: It occurred to me that I had actually survived a coma and major brain bleed.  It was such a big deal!  In an instant, the possibility that I might never have survived or had an opportunity to change things in my life,  totally blew my mind! 

I realized how lucky I had been with each element of timing. Colin came home in time, the quick response of the ambulance, the presence of mind of the female doctor who had saved my life.  Every second, or any minute more, could have resulted in a very different and negative outcome.  How very lucky was I?  I began to no longer feel sorry for myself.  Just an incredible gratefulness to have survived.  That was something not to sniff at, or take lightly.  I must have survived for some reason!  I had no clue what for, but as I lay in my immobile state, I started with a lsome of confidence of improving my situation.

NEXT DAY

Loss of Hearing and My Strange Speech: I must have drifted off into a tired sleep again. Gradual images of Colin and my sisters had appeared, it was so great to see them.  Unfortunately, my speech struggled, and became high pitched and child-like as I strained to talk with them.   I heard myself speak, but what came out of my mouth didn’t sound right or like me.  I attempted to feel around the inside of my mouth with my swollen tongue again, and sensed the same phantom extra set of teeth.   The foreign noise out of me became increasingly annoying and maddening.  I couldn’t make myself heard, and the amount of times I had to repeat myself, really tried my patience. Where they all deaf?  On top of that, I had double vision.  I had no idea, of which version, whom, or what I had seen.  A horrible experience.

Next Door Patient Disappeared: As I had all sorts of the things on my mind, I never noticed that my previous overnight neighbour had disappeared.  Colin first opened up the conversation, as he had noticed her in another room on his way to see me.  He asked her if everything had been alright.  Apparently, the poor woman had terminal cancer and had requested to be moved, as she needed peace and quiet. I had disturbed her with my loud snoring.  Me! I hadn’t been able to breathe properly due to the nose drips, so had to breathe through my mouth.  When he told me, I was mortified!  Eventually, I saw the funny side.  That poor woman ……

Where was my Jewellery?: I suddenly recalled the tussle over my jewellery, when I was at the other hospital.  I tried to tell Colin that I had been robbed.  He giggled when he understood what I was trying to say, and assured me that he had kept my precious articles at home.  Thank goodness!  He told me that I had been daft, but those items were of great importance to me.  I would have been devastated if I had lost them.

Ordered to Relax: I recalled that I had been working on completing a print deadline before my attack, so I was worried we missed it.  Colin ordered me to calm down, Lara (his sister) had thankfully and kindly stepped in to help.  I had to let go, relax, and accept that I had been placed on an enforced holiday.  No argument. Colin had been very adamant.

We had passed the time by catch up on hearing their chatter, news, and discussion how to activate the TV and internet in my room – that seemed to be the height of importance then.  All that time I had no sense of date or time.  When I finally was able to spit out “when”, to my surprise, it was Wednesday!  Alarmed by the loss of time, the print deadline was too late, I struggled and tried to say “home”.  Colin told me to behave and snapped, “what could you do about it?”. He reasoned that everything would be sorted.  All my signed objections had been slapped down and everyone insisted that I had to calm down, relax or I would risk a relapse.  I hadn’t been happy, but they were right.  I had no choice, but to grudgingly backed off in a sulk.

NEXT FEW DAYS

Staff Routine and Sadist Nurse: I had observed the daily routine of the nursing staff.  My arm drips would bleep at times, which meant they were near empty and needed replacing.  Someone would check my blood pressure a couple of times a day, note the time, details, then move on.  The bed wipe downs were quick, insensitive and humiliating.  I had felt like a slab of meat, tossed about on a butcher’s block.  These may have been normal duties for the staff but, it seemed that my feelings hadn’t been of much importance.  It appeared as though nobody took into account that, although my body failed me, my mind had been fully alert through those ordeals.  During each morning, a nurse appeared with a big needle, cleaned an area of my stomach with a damp swab, then stabbed me with her injection.  It had never been on my paralysed left side, always thrusted into the sensitive right side! I grew to dread her sudden appearances.  The sadist! 

Welcome Visits: When Colin and my sisters visited, they were definitely a pleasant diversion away from my boring hospital life.  I never knew how long they stayed, because I grew tired fairly frequently.  They chatted and joked, but  Colin always ignored my attempted slurred mantra of, “home” and “computer?”.   The non-committal answer had always been, “Hmmmm” or “Soon”.  I thought that I honestly thought I could complete my work from my bed.  Surely I could operate my laptop, mouse and type with my good hand?  I had totally ignored the fact I that I had double vision and trouble grasping things with my good hand.  Yes, I had been stubborn and Colin had to calm me down, yet again. When I became a real pain, Colin told me, “Bloody hell woman! Although you’re half paralysed, such a shame it hadn’t extended to your tongue!”. Charming! I laughed for the first time, and the mood had lightened in the room. When visiting hours ended, I hated the goodbyes. I had been left alone and vulnerable in the hands of strangers again.  I just wanted to be home.  Why was it so difficult for them to let me go home?

Please view next page 7 at Link “A Few Days and Start of Physiotherapy”: https://www.rebootinglinda.com/next-few-days-start-of-physiotherapy/

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